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Friday, June 19, 2009

Depressed Confession

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I watched a movie in Hallmark channel entitled "Hunger Point" it's a movie about depression, eating disorder, and death. It opened up my eyes and further concluded my assumption that I was once depressed. I wasn't diagnosed by a professional, yet the differences of who I am today and who I was strongly suggests that fact.Now let's a read a journal entry that I could've have written years ago.

I'm sad and I don't know why. Everything in my life is falling apart and slowly decaying into useless waste. What did I do to deserve this fate? I tried everything just to be perfect little me but why am I not happy? It seems that nothing I do will ever be right and I always commit mistakes. People cannot understand me and I don't really care.


Hey wait, if I don't care then why do I cut myself when I feel numb over their trash talk? Most of the time I want to hurt myself so that I cut. You see I always feel so sad, and when I cut I feel pain instead. Sometimes I feel dead and numb and when I cut myself I realize that I'm still alive. I'm not really sure if I'm happy to be alive though.

There are also times that I think I'm anorexic. I think I'm getting fat but everyone tells me I look too skinny for my height. Still, I think they are simply trying to control me, again. Everybody wants to control me as if I'm a pyscho, I'm not a pyscho, I'm just concerned with my weight. Its the only thing I can control, my thoughts often ran away from me so I just turn my attention to my weight.

Oh let me tell you about my family. We're a picture of a perfect family, well I just said picture, I did not say its the truth. Let's just say that we live in a mansion yet it's really a haunted house. We're being hunted by our own ghosts. Dad doesn't like us to show affection for our boyfriends because he came from a family of perverts. Mom always tells us to be careful in trusting people because in the future she'll be the one to betray our trust. Siblings always try to act better and always point out your mistakes to overshadow you. When fights break in our perfect little family, I thought I was faking a panic attack by hyperventilating but if I'm faking then why can't I stop shaking? Mom and Dad are very intelligent (according to them), then why did they fail to realize that I'm depressed?

One time I after the "war" in our perfect little family calmed down, I tried drinking 20-ish pills (I forgot what meds thay are though) so that I won't wake up tomorrow. Well guess what, I woke up throwing up my whole digestive system, crazy huh? At least, I'm not getting fat. You see how screwed up I am?

I told them that I feel really sad that our family is falling apart and its the reason why I'm starting act out by being a rebel, cutting myself and being depressed. Nah, my mom told me its my fault. All my reactions to what's happening are all wrong. Ok, I get it. She's right and I'm always wrong. I will never be correct in her eyes and dad just stands there like a faded wallpaper watching everything without uttering a single word of intervention. This is probably the reason why I got depressed, suicidal and slightly anorexic.

- sad and suicidal

If one member of your family or your friend sounds like this, then I suggest you talk to him/her. Most of the times we don't need to see a shrink, we just need to give love and support to those who are depressed. We just need to make them feel how important they are and how much we love them. Sometimes we might also need to apologize for our shortcomings and assure them that nobody is perfect. Until then, this is Amphitrite Redmist, wishing you a depression free day.

Blessed be.

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